Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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