It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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