im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Quick, to the slutcave!
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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