i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
