A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
