i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
