she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
