I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
