It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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