why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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