I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
