Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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