Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
