she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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