Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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