I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
