The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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