is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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