My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
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