how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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