Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
