my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
