i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I just found puke in my bra..
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
