If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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