Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Randomize
