He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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