Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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