my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
