I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Randomize
