Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
