Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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