you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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