she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize