It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I want a musical about memes.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
