i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
My dick has a subreddit
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
