you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize