My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
