I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
