im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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