Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
