We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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