my shit smells like andre
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
