is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
