god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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