a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
