I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
