Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
