he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
