Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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