A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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