I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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