I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
