note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
