Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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