Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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