spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
