I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
