...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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