I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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