the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
