When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
