you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
