the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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