I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
